(WARNING: Long winded post, but it does get to the point, I promise.)
Lately, I have been a little blue. Ok, more than a little, I have been a big black hole of self pity. I guess that's the best way to put it. The reason I have been in the black hole is because I have lost sight of who I am. When we had our first baby, I was so devastated that I had to go back to work and not be able to snuggle and love on my baby girl and I vowed that before we had another one that I would be home to raise them both. Well, twenty months later, we had our second (yeah, I was a little nuts) and I was home. I was home to be the mom I always wished I could be, to be the mom that my kids were close to, had fond memories of and got to be one of the few that actually got to have their mommy stay home with them. It's such a hard economy right now, that the number of stay at home mom's is dwindling and is more of a luxury than a necessity now a days. My mother was a single mom up until I was about 6 or 7. I didn't get the stay at home mom thing because my mom had to provide for my sister and I. But I always knew that I wanted to be a mom and I wanted to be the best mom ever, which is such a silly thing to wish for because being the best is a matter of opinion more than an actual thing.
So, while in this black hole I had to do an emotional priority list in my heart of what was important and I realized something. I was not being the best I could be. Wanna know why? Because I was trying to be someone I'm not. Granted, I wish I could be one of those women who have a successful blog, have a great home business, wonderfully adorable children that are happy all the time, time to work on every project that came into my crazy head, a clean house, warm meals on the table, and me looking flawless at all times while wearing pearls. Doesn't that sound like heaven? It does to me too. But that's not my reality! The more I work on projects the more my home and family suffer. The more I work on my home and family, the more my projects sit and collect dust. But what is more important? Having an adorable craft done, but kids who have sat in front of the tv all day while I was absorbed into a project or teaching my daughter her shapes, having my house look clean, kids in clean clothes and a peaceful home. It's a no brainer for me, however, I do get distracted... all the time.
When in the business world you are rewarded for a job well done by a bonus, a pat on the back, recognition, anything! When you are a stay at home mom you are rarely rewarded for a job well done due to the fact that things you do well are changing diapers all day, having floors so clean you can eat off them (which your son usually does, that's why they are so clean, just in case), and having a happy home are not one of those things that gets praise often. I have felt at times that the only reason I started this blog was to get that pat on the back, which may be selfish of me, but I felt slightly stripped of my identity when I started staying home. Even writing that sentence makes me feel awful, but I guess if I'm being honest, then that's what I need to say. So I started making things for other people. I loved making things for others and seeing their faces when they saw it for the first time and I loved hearing others "Oooo and Ahhhh" over it. Yes, again, it was to stroke my own ego, but it felt good, so I kept doing it.
The other day, while making an apron for a friend, my daughter came up, in her sweet little voice, big blue eyes and white blonde curly hair and said, "Mom, is that for me?" My heart fell to my butt. I had been so wrapped up in making things for other people that I had forgotten about my own kids! I was heart broken! I had become someone that I never wanted to be and all to get a little compliment. What was wrong with me?! So I scooped my baby girl up, snuggled her and knew exactly who I was and what my job was. My kids. Point blank. I am here to stroke their egos, make them the best little people possible, help to form them to be who they are going to be for the rest of their lives! Do I want my kids being selfish and egotistical?! Uh, no! And kids learn through example, so what have I been teaching them?! It was a "LIGHTBULB!" moment! This weight that I had carried for so long was lifted almost instantly when I realized what I had become. Silly isn't it, that such a small thing can make such a HUGE impact on your life.
I have had many offers for taking my blog into a higher and bigger status and doing grand things with the talents that I have, but I have never taken those chances and now I know why. Because I'm not supposed to, not right now. Maybe some day this little blog will grow and become something great and wonderful and I will become rich and famous and take over Martha Stewart's empire, but for now, I am glad that my blog is small, I have a little over 100 followers, no sponsors and no business (at least not yet) because when would I have the time to handle all of that when my time with my kids while they are still small is so limited?
So, here it is. My new direction. Where this little blog will be headed for the time being. I am going to be doing much more kid crafts, things that I make for both of my kids, home decor (on the cheap) and a few self indulgent things as well, but mostly kid things. I am so excited and so are my kids, because they will be getting new things made just for them by me. And I have to say, it's much more rewarding to see their faces on something that I have made them than to see someone else's. Go figure.
Here's what I made this week for my daughter. A few weeks ago I found this shop, My Dear Kids Easy Wear on a Giveaway (which is now closed) from Craftiness Is Not Optional The likelihood of me winning was slim, so I just bought a few patterns. I bought the Warm Hoodie Vest to make for my daughter. She and I went to the fabric store and I let her pick out her own fabric. Luckily, I was able to shift her attention away from the ones she had picked out because she would be wearing a camo print with dinosaurs fleece vest if I hadn't. But bless her, she picked out a good combo and I made it. The pattern was very easy to read and the vest came together very nicely.
Plus, it helps that she is just so dang cute in it too. Check back next time for a possible child's apron tutorial!